Hahaha my ISP troubles are over. I CAN get DSL, I just had to be sneaky about it.
If I change the prefix of my phone number it will be served out of a different central office; a CLOSER central office. I just tried looking up availability with a different phone number and it's good!
My city has a couple of different CO's, and I don't think there will be a problem changing to the new number.
a big FUCK YOU to SBC Ameritech for not suggesting this to people.