ROTFLMFAO! too funny!

[Blue Hawk]

omg! i got this link at that other board i post at. these facts are too disturbing and funny to pass up posting here lmao.



Incredible but True

This page features many facts, all true, all strange, and many are just plain stupid. Enjoy.

Deaths Without Dignity

Roman Emperor Heliogabalus: hacked to death on the toilet
Cathrine the Great: heart failure while trying to overcome constupation
Saxon King Edmond Ironside: had a sword thrust up through his bowel while on the toilet
Sir Arthur Aston:Royalist commander beaten to death with his own wooden leg by cromwell's men
French Composer Jean-Baptiste Lully: died of gangrene after stabbing himself in the foot with his conducting baton
Joe ''poolie'' Newman: Jazz Musician who died when his penile implant exploded, causing him to bleed to death
An Icelandic funeral parlor was fined after it dressed a deceased man in a Santa Claus costume and a fake beard for his december 26th funeral
Zeno: the greek who founded the Greek school of stoicism, which means indiference to pleasure or pain, hanged himself after hurting his finger
Jim Fixx: The man who started the jogging craze in America, died of a heart attack while jogging
Emil Kijek: died at the shock at getting his first hole in one at the age of 79
Frank Hayes: jockey, died while riding a horse, but still manged to win the race
Emperor Menelik II of Ethiopia: belived that eating pages from the bible would help him live longer, and consequently died while trying to eat the entire book of kings
Dr. Arvo Nikula: was the first obstetrician to die while delivering a baby, he had a fatal hemorrhage when the baby kicked him in the right temple
Yves Abouchar: died during his circus act, becoming the first clown to choke to death when having custard pie thrown in his face
Ahmed Bulwarj: died when he got caught in a knitting machine at the factory where he worked, he was litterally sown to death
Mike Stewart: President of the Auto Convoy Company, while doing a story for TV about the dangers of low hanging bridges, the flatbed truck he was standing on went under a low hanging bridge, killing him
In 1988, a Ukranian man died of Alchohol poisoning for a poison liquer, unwisely, at the funeral, the same drink was served, killing 10 people
The head of the U.S. Prohibition Bureau, Elliot Ness, died an alcoholic
Igor Roskny: street vender in Australia, was killed by an irate customer after he put mustard on a customer's tuna sandwich. The murderer claimed he had clearly ordered mayonnaise
Queen Mary's brother Adolphus: his funeral was interrupted by a loud bang from his coffin: his body had exploded


Those Wild and Crazy Popes

Damasus I: killed his rivals for the papacy, tried for adultery in 378, but acquitted by the emperor
John XII: atheist, bisexual, summoned the devil during sex, castrated a cardinal, bludgeoned to death by the irate husband of the woman he was copulating with
Stephen VI: hated his predicessor so much he had his body exhumed and condemed him, he then cut of the three fingers that popes bless with, the body was later thrown into the Tiber river
Sergius III: enjoyed sex with underage girls. When he was 45 he had a 15 year old mistress
John XIII: hanged a city prefect by his hair, defiled his own niece, died just like his father, John XII, killed by an irate husband while having sex
Pope Joan: the only female pope, was discovered when she gave birth prematurely, to ensure this didn't happen again, the Popes throne has a hole in the bottom so that a cleric could ensure the sex of the pope( i'll leave that to your imagination)
John XXI: was origionally a doctor to Gregory X, but his incompetence killed him, as well as his two succesors. John summarilly became pope but died shortly thereafter. He was belived by some to be the anti-christ
Benedict IX: murderer, believed in whichcraft, commited beastialitys, threw wild bisexual orgies, married his cousin and then sold the papacy
Gregory VII: belived that free though shouldn't be allowed, because it led to heresy
Innocent VIII: fathered several bastard sons
Anacletus: had a prostitute for a mistress, commited insest with his sister and some of his other female relatives, and raped nuns
Boniface VIII: got the papacy by killing his predicessor, Celestine V, atheist, homosexual, tried for heresy, rape, sodomy, and eating meat during lent
Clement VI: had dozens of mistresses
John XXIII: was actually a pirate who obtained the papacy through force of arms, he was charged with piracy, murder, rape, sodomy, and incest
Pius II: wrote erotic literature, sired 12 bastards
Sixtus IV: had 6 illigitimate sons, had sex with his sister, caused the spanish inquisition
Alexander VI: commited his first muder when he was only 12, sired many bastards
Julius II: pediophile, had sex with young boys and male prostitutes
Leo X: homosexual, so corrupt he caused luther to write his 95 theses
Paul III: Poisened his mother and sister, had an insestuous relationship with his own daughter, killed cardinals over a theological argument, was rome's biggest pimp, having 45,000 prostitutes working for him and paying him tribute
Julius III: sodomized young boys, had sex with his own illigitimate son, had a poem ''in praise of sodomy'' written about him
Leo VII: died of a heart attack during sex
Paul II: died while being sodomized by a page boy
Sixtus III: Tried for raping a nun, but was acquitted as there were no witnesses

Years that The Jehovah's Witnesses have prophesised Armageddon

1874
1914
1925
1975

Dumb things about the Catholic Church


The church belived that the black death was caused by the following reasons
Olive Oil
Wearing Winklepicker shoes
Hanging out with witches
Using dice
Talking about sex
Going to the theater
Lusting for older women
Jews poisoning the wells
Ironically enough, the plague was actually so virulent because of two of the churches beliefs


Cats are whiches in disguise
Showing flesh was evil
these helped the plague spread because the fact thet the cat population was deminished let the rat population skyrocket, bringing with it the plague, and the not showing flesh made people not wash, further exacerbating the problem


Even dumber was the chuches advice on how to cure the plague

Wash the victum in goat urine
Apply the entrails of a new-born puppy to the victums forehead
Drink menstual blood
Pierce your testicals
Inhale fumes from a latrine
Smoke tobacco
Apply dried toad to the bubo
Eat a little treacle after rainfall
Commit insest on an altar
Eat the pus filled boil of plague victims (what do you think that would actually cause)

Although the church didn't like adultery from the start, it didn't ban sex with animals till 314
the confessional box was actually started to help prevent women from being sexually assaulted by priests
The church allows cannibalism to save your life
The book ecclesiasticus recomends throwing up before or during a big meal to make room for more food
The church didn't adopt celebacy for priests until 1095, and it was actually a ploy for raising money, as clergymen were allowed to keep mistresses if they paid an annual fee to the pope, this new law caused a huge increase in clerical homosexuality
At one time, you could purchce indulgences to reduce your time in purgatory by 7 years, you could literally buy a stairway to heaven
For more than 1000 years, the chuches sole authority on human physiology was the greek physician Galen, desipte the notable handycap of never having actually seen the inside of a human body. This caused him to have to guess at human physiology by looking at dead pigs and dogs. His most sage advice included the fact that the brain was made of phlegm, and headaches could be cured by drilling holes in the skull. The church only allowed crimanals to be disected, and when Galen's theroys would of course not be correct, the church would claim that it was because the body was that of a crimanal, and therefore abnormal, which is , needless to say, crap
Women can't become popes or priests( my main complaint against the chuch aside from the facts that is is anti-science and run by caucasions)
A popular contraceptive device during the thirteen century was to eat bees after sex, or spit three times into the mouth of a frog

Presidents Involved in Sex Scandals


George Washington: 10 women
Thomas Jefferson: sired several bastards
James Garfield: visited brothels
Grover Cleveland: visited brothels
Warren G. Harding: had sevral mistresses, had a 16 year old mistress when he was 57
Franklin D. Roosevelt: had two mistresses, his wife Elenor didn't mind because she had an affair with a lesbian
John F. Kennedy: used a prostitute to calm him down before any TV debate, copulated in the oval office, had an affair with Marilyn Monroe
Lyndon B. Johnson: Had sex with his White House secretaries, copulated on the Oval Office desk, he also had two long-term mistresses
Richard M. Nixon: had an affair with a suspected Chinese Communist spy
Bill Clinton: Supposedly has had affairs with 100's of women

Odd PR Campaigns


When the ford pinto was sold in Brazil, sales were dissapointing. As it turned out ''pinto'' means small male genitals in Portuguese
The Chevy Nova didn't sell well when introduced to Spanish speaking countries. ''No va'' literally means ''it doesn't go''
A brand of ink called quink had the english phrase ''Avoid embarassment-use quink'', when translated into spanish it came out as ''Avoid pregnancy-use quink''
Gerber baby foods (the ones with the baby one the label) didn't sell well in Africa. It was belatedly discovered that, in Africa, it is common practice to put a picture of the contents of the jar on its label
The Coca-Cola brand name translated into Chinese literally meant ''Bite the wax tadpole''
The Pepsi-Cola slogan ''Come alive with Pepsi' translated into spanish as ''Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave''
The yellow colored cleaning product Pledge didn't do well in the Netherlands, considering that ''pledge'' is slang for ''piss''
Japenese companys havn't always been successful at selling their products to Americans, some of their less succesful attempts have been a beef jerky called ''Homo Sausage'', a lawn fertilizer called ''Green Piles'', and a tissue called ''Last Climax''
US chicken magnate Frank Perdue ran into some trouble while trying to expand his buissness into spanish speaking countries. His slogan ''It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken'' translated as ''It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate''
One of my favorite PR campaigns wasn't a mistake but rather a stroke of genius. In Israel, where the drivers are noctoriosly bad, a advertizing company put posters saying ''research proves that drivers who get rowdy on the road have smaller penises.''pretty effective way to stop bad male drivers, isn't it
The show ''Jonie loves Chache'' was shown in Korea for the first time, and had some of the highest ratings in Korean history. It was later found that this was because Chache is Korean for penis, making the shows' name ''Jonie loves Penis.''

[img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img]

[M]

[img]images/smiles/icon_razz.gif[/img] It's kinda sad because all of those people died, but the situations that they died in are quite humorous. Put that on a website, of course giving credit to the site that you got it from.

[M]

hey, can I get the link for that info? It would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! [img]images/smiles/icon_wink.gif[/img]

[adidas]

"Yves Abouchar: died during his circus act, becoming the first clown to choke to death when having custard pie thrown in his face"

Oh man, that's terrible, but I can't help but laugh.

[Damian]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Blue Hawk:
<STRONG>Cathrine the Great: heart failure while trying to overcome constupation</STRONG>

Actually, my history teacher told a slightly different tale: Catherine was as perverted as they come, she had furniture carved out of various phallic adornments. According to his version of events she actually died from being crushed underneath the weight of a "stud" male horse. At the time she was attempting to perform fellatio/intercourse with the beast.

[Pdaimaoh]

I think we should kill all popes before they have a chance to be so fucked up!


died while trying to give head to a horse? your teacher is probably a future pope...

[geesehoward]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote

Actually, my history teacher told a slightly different tale: Catherine was as perverted as they come, she had furniture carved out of various phallic adornments. According to his version of events she actually died from being crushed underneath the weight of a "stud" male horse. At the time she was attempting to perform fellatio/intercourse with the beast

it didn't happen

http://www.snopes2.com/sex/bestial/catherin.htm


btw Pdaimaoh, can you give me that link? sounds funny

[Damian]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by geesehoward:
<STRONG>it didn't happen

http://www.snopes2.com/sex/bestial/catherin.htm


btw Pdaimaoh, can you give me that link? sounds funny</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Bah, sounded a bit too pervish.

[Pdaimaoh]

give you what link?

[geesehoward]

LOL sorry, i meant Blu Hawk