Various jokes

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Various jokes

Postby Silverhaze on Wed Sep 14, 2005 8:43 am

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing a lot. The end.

THE PEN
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, says, "Well that's great, just great. Some jerk's got my pen."

LASHES
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sentenced to receive 100 lashes. They had the option to make it less painful by putting anything they wanted on their backs. The Frenchman, knowing alcohol eases pain, asked to have French beer poured onto his back. The Englishman did the same with English beer. The Irishman asked to have the Frenchman on his back.

VOCABULARY LESSON
Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a leak." The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Tony thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten."

SWIMMING PROHIBITED
A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

NOT MUCH TIME
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh, no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "Ten," says the doctor. "Ten? Ten, what? Months? Weeks?" he asks desperately. The doctor says, "Nine."

BRASS LAMP
A government employee sits in his office and, out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantel," he decides, and takes it home. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi." He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and final wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." Poof! He's back in his office.

HAMMERED
A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."

BLIND DATE
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

NEW VEHICLE
A couple had been debating buying a new vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car. The couple fought endlessly about the issue. Everything she liked was out of their price range. "Look," she said. "I want something that goes from zero to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up, so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

SUBSCRIPTIONS
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason." Cliff says, "Why?" Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."

THREE BOYS
A farmer had three lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up. The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?" The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way. The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way. The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.
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