we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence

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we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence

Postby adidas on Sat Nov 06, 2004 3:58 pm

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states,commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing
more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end
your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced
'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There
will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're
not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you
won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not
limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in
Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional
accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be
broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will
become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such
as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and
watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope
with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to
get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play
a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy
team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were
not aware that there is a world outside your borders should
count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad
guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced
with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they
are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who
discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country
called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried
in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained
to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be
added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of
Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews
of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception
of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured
for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until
April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will
harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former
USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated
to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.
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adidas
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Postby were on Sat Nov 06, 2004 8:01 pm

:roll: :wink:

:Lately, quebec and france's laws are gettin utterly nonsense
Zep wrote:yes, i am drunk, but did I loot? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
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