Snappy one liners!

[Silverhaze]

Got e-mailed this and found most of em pretty funny.

If you like cheesy snappy one liners that is.

Tim Vine comic genius has these nuggets to say...........


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"
I said "I've been on telly mate, but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said
"How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what makes me laugh more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants; it was Wedgie
Kray.

So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then". I said
"Nearest to the bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Do you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese Restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for

a-ROMATIC duck".

I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a Competition and
I won a year's supply of Marmite..... one jar.

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes; he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he
said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot," I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even
he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

I saw a lorry-load of tortoises crash into a trainload of terrapins. I
thought, "That's a turtle disaster".

[adidas]

Those were really bad!