Story....

[adidas]

We never even got the story started, really.

Remember? Damian started one on the last UBB.

Bear with me, I'll retrieve it.

[adidas]

STORY BEGIN...(originaèly posted by Damian)

And so a poor nun with little left in her pocket decided to pawn off her most precious possession, the inauguration speech of Adolf Hitler when suddenly...

A custom built Harley with spiked wheels droned into the empty plaza. The rider of the vulgar machine dismounted and with a subtle grin declared "I want to fuck the world with my tongue!". The nun pulled up her shawl and revealed a shiny, gold plated Uzi "Only if you can make those fuckers at the pawn shop buy this!"
"HA!" replied the dark biker. You wouldn't be able to sell that shit at a Bring and Buy, who the hell would want that shit when you could have this?
The biker reached down to his laden carrier and pulled a weapon out of his venemous pouch. "Check this out sister! Platinum plated DFG-909LP crapper upper now this baby kicks stuff". The nun had had enough, she ran over to the biker and screamed "Gay Lord!" then went over to a nearby car, jimmied the lock on the tank and threw a match down the dank smelling hole of petroleum. She died.
The Harley guy took off his suit and blasted off to Venus where he raised an army of vacuum cleaners to suck the wood dry of it's Sap in order to make all trees die and stop all Bible production, hey of course this was the best way to get the nun back.

[adidas]

(2nd post also Damian's)

When the HG returned to earth he found that all the trees had been replaced with giant mechanical TRIPODS from the crap 80's children's series.
So he decided to retire in Florida but unfortunately on the way had a bike accident and died of Road Rash.
The leader of the TRIPODS Camera decided to celebrate HG's death by ordering his troop of Tripods to jump up in the air all at the same time to shake the earth.
Unfortunately....

[adidas]

(posted by were)

as they were about to leave, a well-decomposed man appeared out of nowhere wearing a glove was doing one of the most unexplanatory dances he had ever seen
the leader of the TRIPOIDS was stunned by its appearance!!"JESSUS CHRIST!, we thought you died in the accident!"
The gloved one left his finger up an starting shaking it and answered in ahigh-pitch voice 'na-aaaaaa.little boy.let's see how UNpowerful your little guns are!"
Soon, the whole army was mimicing his moves.Music blasted everywhere and it seems like this was the end...

[adidas]

(posted by Silverhaze)

Out of a dark corner a voice boomed TRIPODS THE CRAPPY 80's SHOW WAS NOT CRAPPY! and with that announcement the tripods trippled in size and began to sprout enhanced shock core weapons from every orafice. The gloved decomposed man's finger was blasted clean off and pus oozed from the wound. He just had enough time to wonder where his finger had gone before a mechanical sloath squashed him flat and began to climb the leg of the nearest tripod. 'You lot have been in this story far too long already' and with lightning like sloath agility it hopped from tripod leg to tripod leg as they shot eachother to minute shards of metal.
The sloath was about to continue its journey to find the worlds biggest black eye pea when...

[adidas]

(posted by Damian)

Mr.T came along and said

But as he was about to clear up the mess, someone tapped him and the shouder and said..

[adidas]

(now picking up where it was left off...)

"Are you Mr. T?"

Mr. T turned to face a man in a suit, with a briefcase.

"Yeah, foo. What do you want!?" Said T.

"How would you like to be in a 1-800-COLLECT commercial?" Asked the man in the suit.

"Ain't that the one with Alyssa Milano!? Count me in sucka!"

And so Mr. T forgot about the fight, with thoughts of the lovely Alyssa Milano filling his head. But as he was about to leave the scene.....

[Damian]

When Mr. T arrived at the set to begin filming he spotted a lethargic looking, lanky man hunched over a laptop furiously typing. "What 'tca doing punk?" Mr. T asked the spotty teenager. "I'm writing a CPS2 emulator for the C64, it's called Final Burnout lets see those bastards flame me this time!".

"But da C64 is a weak pile 'o piss, no way CPS2 gonna run foo!"

"Nah I'm not emulating the whole machine, just the backgrounds with much less colours"

"What a pointless piece of shit!" Mr. T screamed at the lad he now knew as Gayvee from the label on the laptop, "Eat this sucka!" Mr. T pulled off his massive medallion and proceeded to beat Gayvee to death with it.

After the advert was finished Mr. T's once diminished fame rose with incredible swiftness overnight. News of his involvement in Gayvee's death won him worldwide acclaim and copies of the A-Team were soon sold out as the populous rushed to buy every Mr. T related paraphernalia they could get their hands on.

[cut to well trimmed lawn. pan up to very large white house of modern architecture]

Mr. T reclined on his sunchair supping on his cold Margarita when...

[adidas]

Dead Metal, the house robot from Robot Wars, enters. It grabs Mr. T with its pneumatic pincers, and slices him right down the middle.

"Let's see you make a comeback from that!" Laughs Dead Metal's operator.

Just then, the operator looked to his left, to see a Mack truck come flying around a corner and heading straight for him.

[Silverhaze]

But a cunningly placed drawing pin in the road took out the front tyre as the truck rounded the corner at break neck speed. The truck toppled over missing the robot by inches and demolished a packed primary school. Flaming bodies were sent hundreds of feet into the air like human fireworks the exploded in a stunning display of magnificent proportions. Even the British cow burners were impressed to see how the human fireworks made their lamb candles and chicken rockets look lame.

As the local area came out to watch the spectacle a dark figure loomed over the horizon....

[adidas]

...and Barney the purple Dinosaur came upon the scene, dancing and singing.

"What a sad scene.... I think we should cheer it up with a song!" He said.

He commenced to sing "I love you, you love me..." when.....

[Damian]

His agent came by half way through the song and told him that Microsoft were going to stop selling the Barney toys as they were attacking household pets.

"But that isn't the hardware's fault, it's that shit software!" Barney pleaded.

"Sorry Barney old Tyrannosaurus, you're all washed up. The kids are too old to perform anymore and doing drugs, and Pokemon we just can't compete with anymore" his agent brawled.

Barney looked down at the ground shattered as a perfectly round, and plump tear fell from his miserable face.

"This is just terrible" Barney sighed. "But at least there is one upshot".

"What on earth could that be?" The bored agent replied.

"I get to test out this"

Out of his furry purple shanks Barney withdrew a 9" long Machete, and proceeded to test out its' blade on his agent's head.

After there was nothing left but a mass of pulp. Barney threw away the bent weapon and his way back home to a hidden bunker.

Over the years Barney had collected a massive arsenal of weapons all paid for by generous royalties and of course the toys.

Together with his loyal teenage followers, the purged the world of all children.

On their way back from one of the killing sprees, something funny happened..

[Keen]

....
"Hey Barney!" shouted one of Barney's followers.
"Yes?" answered Barney.
"Barney we got problems here... I just noticed we've been followed around the world..."
"Thats insane. Nobody would follow us you idiot. We've been killing people, for the love of God." said Barney, getting angry at the punk. Wasting his time, Barney thought.
"But Barney.."
"SHUT UP YOU DIRTBAG, BEFORE I LOBOTOMIZE YOU WITH THIS MACHETE!" Barney was now WAY mad.
"Holy Mother Mary, please Barney, listen to me, li-----AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

In horror, Barney turned around. The kid was dead, lying face down in his own blood.
The rest of the kids with Barney turned around, and started panicking.
A gang of evil Midgets were standing over the dead kids body. They were each holding broken liquor bottles.
"Ok you big purple piece of trash, you may have killed all the kids in the world, BUT YOU'LL NEVER GET US DWARFS!"

[Silverhaze]

The battle that ensued made the crusades look like a child's tea party, broken bottles were thrust into bodies and the scarlet blades of the Barneyboy's weapons flashed and glinted in the warm sun as they were swung back and forth towards the ever advancing band of midgets.

"So....many....midgets....can't...compete"

Barney was gurgling as he spoke, the large broken bottle that protruded from his now bloodstained furry neck was still being held by his micro attacker as a barneyboy attempted to rescue his leader.

The boy spun on his heel responding to the cry of a friend hurling a claret covered knife his way. In heroic style he plucked the spinning blade out of the air and brought it down with terrifying force upon the midgets collar bone. Splinters of red bone were sprayed over a 6 foot radius as the slashed artery in his neck pumped out the bits of broken bone. His limp body slumped to the sticky ground.

Making a strategic retreat the barneyboys and their mortally wounded leader returned to their secret bunker to discuss a different game plan. As all the children in the world had been killed there was no way to bring on more soldiers to fight for the cause and the roars of DOH!!! could be heard for miles around.

Just then, one of the boys had a sudden moment of absolute clarity and...

[Damian]

"Listen guys! just follow my routine!"

He then picked up his gun and started doing the "high calibre cranium dance" which involved the whole group singing fantastical songs and then blowing their brains out. The midgets soon scattered, leaving Barney still alive on the blood field.

Just then a representative from Disney was passing by and happened to witness the performance.

"Marvellous, absolutely MARVELLOUS!" he splattered.

"I am going to sign up this whole story for our latest cartoon and I want you to be the star!"

Barney was thrilled!!!!!

Unfortunately, when they got to Dollywood, Barney discovered the hard way that for his animations to be properly captured on celluloid he had to be slaughtered and steam ironed to give him that 2D quality.

The cartoon was a huge success and..

[ 14 June 2001: Message edited by: DamianMoran ]

[Damian]

Won many crappy children entertainment awards.

Sadly, after six months the act was stale and so..

[Silverhaze]

He moved into the profitable business of pimping.

He began small, pimping the wombles and Thomas the Tank Engine and after some time began to move over to the big time.

The Telly Tubbies turned out to be very popular with the married men but the real money spinners were the Tweenies who could take up to 20 clients a night EACH!!

BONZA!!! THought Barney as the cash rolled in but...

[Damian]

Then he made the worst decision he had done in his life. He decided to bring back to western civilization "Transformers" as it had recently started up again in Japan. The first few months things were going well, many major networks had purchased the entire series already even though only a few episodes had been shown.

*CARTOON LAND>CYBERTRON*

BumbleBee: Optimus Prime, I have an urgent transcript from electron recipients to give you!

Optimus Prime: Thank you Bumblesukcock... wait this can not BE!

bUMBLEbEE: What is it?

Optimus Prime: Those triatorous Americans have decided to try and buy us back after leaving us in a pit!!!

BumbleBee: But what can we do? We are but a mere projection in their lives.

Optimus Cock: We'll see.

*LATER THAT WEEK*

Barnie sits down to catch an episode of his new blockbuster. His attire is entirely unfamiliar to us, gone are the well rounded purple curves. Instead he had had his fur bleached in gold and rubies, he is the dinosaurcation of pimp.

Suddenly the screen warps as the definition enhances. Optimus Prime is becoming much clearer, almost three dimensional.

DIE PIMP

Barnie is dead, but his head lives on as a HeadMaster.

Unfortunately...